一顆感恩的心

文/張智蓉修女

信仰承自外婆

我的信仰源自我的外婆及母親。外婆在領洗前,有民間所說的「陰陽眼」,可以看見靈界之物,這使她常生活在恐懼中。外婆天生聰穎,只要是在課堂上聽講過一次、書本裡看過一次,就會save進她的記憶中。所以外婆成了個博學之人,在二十世紀初期,一名中國女子能如此,是很難能可貴的。外婆取得了教師資格後,在基督教辦的教會學校任教,也因為這樣的因緣際會,而認識了主。

說也奇怪,一經領洗後,外婆就再見不到「阿飄」這些靈界之物了。一日,外婆經過一算命先生面前,被他么喝住,說要替她算命,外婆堅拒說不信這些,算命先生異常惱怒,就說:「妳不信嗎?那妳今晚便可嘗試到我的厲害。」外婆心中害怕,不知會發生何事,到了夜晚,外婆和我母親及其他孩子同睡在一張大床上,只聽到屋頂上狂風大作、樹葉擊打著屋頂,外婆及孩子們全都嚇得擠縮成一團,我母親說她不記得當時外婆做了什麼,應該只有祈禱吧!就這樣艱苦撐了一夜,天亮後就沒事了。但是奇妙的是,那個算命先生後來幫人算命就再也不準了,最後只好收攤。所以我母親的信德,就是被外婆的這個事件深深植入心中的:天主是大能的主,信仰祂就能破解惡勢力,並能使人脫離恐懼。

母親為我的聖召預備心田

說到我的聖召,就深深感謝我的母親,是她給我預備了好的心田,讓聖召的種子可以萌芽。民國38年,我一家人隨政府撤退到台灣,我們家非常窮困,就在此時,母親接觸到天主教,便開始去慕道,而我就在六歲那年與母親及哥哥們一起領了洗。

我記得母親每主日必督促我們上聖堂,她甚至也盡可能去參加平日彌撒。她會把從聖堂帶回的像書籤大小的聖像,一張張排在一起,貼在我們客廳的牆上;說它是客廳,其實也等於是臥房及餐廳,三合一的一個空間。在數排的小聖像上方,掛著一個夜光苦像。每天清晨我還沒起床或放學回家做功課時,會看見母親跪在床上,對著苦像,念她的早晚課或玫瑰經。母親在我做完功課後,也叫我跪在床上,拿起經本來念晚課。我每天在這屋子裡來來回回,眼裡看到的就是十字苦像及一張張聖像,教導著我有關信仰的事,如耶穌苦難、耶穌復活、耶穌聖心、聖母聖心、耶穌敲門、耶穌善牧、無原罪聖母、護守天使等等。若我不懂,母親就為我解說。

發願時的情景

每年的暑期道理班,必定有我及哥哥的身影,因為若是不去,肯定會被母親好好修理。為一個孩子,我的信仰還是非常淺薄。漸漸地,我的本堂有了一個圖書室,這在信仰上給我很大的幫助。我最愛看的書是聖人傳記,並且憧憬著將來也要步武他們的後塵。一天,我們的本堂神父請來了聖保祿孝女會的修女,給我們放映教會的電影,有電影可看大家都好興奮。那大概是我第一或第二次見到修女,那種興奮無法形容,因為在我們鄉下是看不到修女的。修女臨走前,發給了我們一張聖保祿孝女會的簡介,我將它小心保存著,心想,我長大後也要像她們一樣去作修女。雖然那時我完全不懂修女是什麼。也許就是如此,聖召的種子漸漸在我心中萌芽。

生活就是祈禱

時間到了,一天,我給聖保祿孝女會寄出了一封向修會敲門的信,她們邀請我來看看,從此開始了我人生的另一個旅程。我還記得入會時的感覺,它讓我感覺到這裡的一切都是令我驚訝的,與我以前在家的生活是完全不同的,也可以說我們整天的生活是被祈禱完全圍繞、充滿的。我們的會祖雅培理神父最看重的,就是會士們的聖德,這從我們整天的作息表就可看出:每天睡前及起床的第一件事就是開口祈禱。一人拿起念珠高聲領念:「願天主永受讚美。」然後大家一面鋪床一面大聲回答:「感謝天主。」連我們隔壁總修院的修士一早就聽到由我們修院傳過去的禱聲:(拉丁文)「從一切罪惡中!」答:「求主拯救我們!」然後是十次的短誦:「耶穌的母親童貞瑪利亞!」大家一起答:「請聖化我們!」這是一串求聖母轉求聖德的串經,念50次。一面祈禱,我們也一面輪流去刷牙洗臉,接著就展開一天的神業工夫:有早禱、默想、彌撒、朝拜聖體及晚禱。晚禱後就是大靜默的時間,我們保持緘默直到隔日早餐才可以交談。早餐後,我們又進入靜默,直到午餐時,或是晚餐後的散心時間,才會有嘻笑聲。平時不隨意談話,為的是將整個心思放在與天主有關的事上。若是大家在一起工作,比方裝訂書,或是清掃等等,我們就大聲齊念玫瑰經,使我們的傳教工作或任何空檔,都充滿了祈禱。我們也被教導,我們所有的出版品,比外面一般的產品更有恩寵,因為裡頭充滿了我們的祈禱、犧牲與祝福。

帶一群人飛往天堂

我們的會祖也很強調工作,他說我們每人要努力做使徒工作,這些工作同時也是維持我們生計的方式。我們每人的工作要養活四個人,即陶成時的自己、現在的自己、老年時的自己,還有陶成中及生病的姊妹。這觀念促使我們更勤奮地工作。由入會起直到發終身願,每天除了祈禱、做傳教工作外,「好學的精神」也是會祖所強調的,我們要不斷地學習成長,所以我們有不同的課程,在修院內或外上課,或自己自修,這些課程包含:認識會祖雅培理神父及會母戴格蘭修女、修會的使徒工作及精神、聖保祿宗徒、聖經、靈修、禮儀、信理、倫理、祈禱、修會會憲、團體生活等等,為使我們能成為一位今日的大眾傳播的使徒。

今日回顧我的一生,是感恩、是讚美、是懺悔、是期待,充塞了我的心。我要說:我何其有幸,能成為聖保祿孝女會的一分子,因為我發現,原來修道生活就像是火箭,把我從人間快速地帶往天主去,同時也帶著一大群人一起往天堂飛奔。

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