為什麼一定要去當修女

文／大羅撒修女

談了三夜，最後一夜回屋時，媽媽問我：「你們到底在談什麼，每天談到那麼晚？」我突然問媽媽說：「我去當修女，好不好？」 「不可以！我說不可以！」媽媽好像被我嚇到了。

爸爸要我們幾個小孩一定去上要理班，但我對背那些一問一答的東西真是反感。直到有一次在上完要理班，我們幾個小孩鬧著副本堂老神父玩後，他帶我們去吃點心，並參觀神父的辦公室和藏書館。「哇！」我們驚訝地發現這裡居然藏有那麼多教會的書：外文、中文，有台灣光啟、華明、香港真理學會、良友之聲、思高聖經學會、澳門贖主會等出版的書。我們求神父借我們回去看，他和我們約法三章，一定要帶回來還，因這些書是本堂神父的寶貝。

從此這裡成為我常去尋寶的地方，我終於發現了那一問一答不懂的要理的解答了；同主日學的學姊問的問題我也看到了；還有要理班老師講的舊約聖經故事我也找到了，真的好高興！看書就成為我的嗜好。我們家沒能力讓我補習，除了學校的功課和幫忙家事外，我有的是時間看書。因此各種書都看，有神哲學、聖人傳記或語錄、益智、人格修養、靈修經典、默想、聖經選集等等。當然有些書以我的年齡是無法全都了解的，因此就去問本堂神父，當他發現我對靈修書有興趣時，也特別留意教導我。

尋找生命的意義

逐漸深入和廣泛地閱讀，我對信仰的了解也增多，對天主的認識也更深了，好像發現了一個嶄新的世界。每當夜闌人靜，仰望滿天繁星時，滿腦充滿思緒，想著創造和掌管這一切的天主、我們和祂的關係，以及宇宙、人類、世事、人生與永生的問題。同時我也曾偷看過父親獨自一人深夜跪在家中的十字架下祈禱；母親喃喃地祈禱；教會有那麼多不怕死的殉道聖人及那麼多純真的精修聖人；還有那麼多熱情慷慨的傳教士，就像我們的本堂和副本堂神父，雖遭共產黨的迫害，還不怕死又跑到我們這裡來傳教⋯⋯這些有什麼意義？我覺得生命充滿奧祕和活力，因此我開始每天去參加清晨的彌撒，並學習念玫瑰經、祈禱、默想。我也想要認真地生活，活出一個有意義和豐盛的人生。

隱修？傳教？

我所知道的女性大都從事服務病人和教育的工作，但我對這兩樣都沒興趣，就轉移尋找隱修克苦的生活。我常問神父這方面的事，他卻勸我說在台灣很需要傳教，還是當傳教士好。因此他就將我介紹給保祿會的修女，修女開始寫信給我，並邀請我去參加避靜。我原是不想去，只是拗不過神父和爸爸的追問，心想就去一次好了。豈知第一次去就迷路，找了很久才到，只好住宿一晚。看到修女們也祈禱，也工作，她們個個都很高興、親切、聖潔，我感覺這就是我心中真正的修道團體，從此我愛上了她們，好像已融入她們中了。之後我就常去參加避靜，修女們也來我們家拜訪。

為主捨棄紅塵

一年多後的暑假剛開始時，修女們又來拜訪。臨走前，修女告訴我暑假可以到她們那裡去讀書，我想反正很閒，這樣也不錯。修女說書很重，先幫我帶過去。這事被L君知道了，他就質問我：「為什麼修女帶走妳的書？」「沒什麼啦！」我覺得只是幾本書有什麼好大驚小怪的，但他就是不死心一直追問。我反而覺得奇怪，是我的東西，又不是你的，問這些做什麼。沒什麼事比相信天主、比永生、比愛天主、接近天主更重要、更真實的，我就開始跟他講一大堆的道理⋯⋯我那時書讀得不是很好，但一說起天主或永生的事卻滔滔不絕。

「妳和妳爸爸一樣，都是宗教狂。」
「我們不是宗教狂，我們不做任何社會運動，我們只是真實地肯定我們的信仰。」

「那妳會去當修女嗎？」
「很可能，有一天。」
「妳不管妳的父母嗎？」
「我的父母不用我管，他們會照顧自己。」
「他們老了怎麼辦？」
「以後的事情誰都不知道。」

「妳為什麼一定要去當修女？要傳教也可以像本堂的傳教員那樣！」
「我覺得不一樣，你看他們結婚後變化很大⋯⋯」
就這樣連續三個晚上，我們在後院裡「論戰」到深夜，還是雞同鴨講，沒有一點共識。媽媽一直喊我們：「早點睡覺了，很晚了！」我們兩人的情緒都很差。

此後的幾天，L君就不再理我了，我更不理他。過了幾天，他很難過地向我道歉，希望恢復過去一樣。但沒幾天他卻失蹤了，大家都急得不得了，我更是自責，放心不下。突然一天晚上，他出現了，說是來辭行的，看起來很悲傷的樣子，我勸他留下來。他卻表示早晚還是要離開，免得更痛苦，也許早些去當兵。我想這樣也好，就安慰他換個環境會交到許多新朋友，也能開拓新視野。

隔沒幾天，友人轉來一封他的信，還沒看完信我已經哭得不成人形了。畢竟我們相處已經七年多了，多少時候我們一起分享歡笑、悲傷、感受、經驗，彼此關心、鼓勵和幫助。多少個夜晚爸媽不在時，他來陪我並幫我照顧弟妹，這段友情不是說「珍重再見」幾個字就能輕鬆一筆帶過的。我潰堤直哭了七天，身體衰弱不少，眼睛腫得像青蛙，連彌撒都不敢去本堂參加。天主好像遠離了我，我感覺好混亂，不知下一步要怎麼走。

難忘的一夜

50年代時家裡尚沒電話，無法和修女們連絡，暑期快結束時，修女寄來一張明信片說月底有三天特別的避靜，是為剛入會的小姐辦的，要我去參加。爸爸看以前凡是修女們邀請的，我一定去，這次時間已迫近，我反而不動聲色，經過這一段時間的波折，他已經明白問題的所在了。他就找了一個晚上，跟我好好的談。

最後爸爸用很慎重的口氣問我：「妳是不是想當修女？」我只有點點頭，卻說不出口。他壓低聲音問我：「那妳決定怎樣？」我不知道這時怎麼那麼難開口，內心有好多的擔憂、不捨和爭戰。從爸爸說話的語氣，我知道他也很難過，事情轉變得太過突然。他繼續對我說：「妳若決定不去就不要再想了，我也不會勉強妳去。」「但如果妳決定要去，那我也不會強留妳⋯⋯」我們沉默了好久，不知說什麼才好。爸爸嚥了嚥口水後說：「至於媽媽、L君，尤其家裡的事，天主會照顧，妳就不要再掛心其他的事⋯⋯」「靠天主的恩寵，今天我才可以把妳養得那麼大，同樣的，也可以把妳的弟妹養得像妳一樣大⋯⋯」聽到爸爸這一席話，我有說不出的感動。爸爸很溫和地再一次問我：「現在，妳自己怎麼決定？」我的心已揪在一起，說不出一句話。他只好出是非題給我回答，要去就點頭，不去就搖頭。這時我就一直猛點頭。他再問我：「那什麼時候去？」「明天。」我突然像是吃了熊心豹子膽馬上就回答。

「妳有需要些什麼東西嗎？」
「我想只需要一個皮箱裝東西就好了。」
「好，我先去向妳伯父借，以後再還他。明天我工作忙，沒辦法送妳去，我請妳堂哥送妳去好嗎？」
「不要，我自己去就好。我要趕快走，不要看到媽媽哭。」
「我了解了。」「妳去了，就不要再分心想家喔！專心愛天主、跟隨天主，好好地為人服務⋯⋯我要照顧全家的生活，不能多做什麼，妳在那裡，我很放心，妳要好好生活，讓我分享妳的服務。」
我們並非老教友家庭，爸爸作夢也沒想到女兒想去當修女，我很感謝他那麼明智和尊重我的選擇。那晚他也像要嫁女兒那樣，不斷地安慰、鼓勵、叮嚀，所有的關懷、不捨表露無疑。爸爸雖沒有高學歷，但思想通達、信德堅固，是我的支持、鼓勵和信靠，我就帶著同樣的信德進了修會。

不同的生活

從此我在修會中一面學習祈禱、靈修、讀書，也一面學習各種使徒工作。在這裡無須照顧病人，也不必去教書，而是有各種新奇、多變的傳教方式。從事編輯、設計、印刷、裝訂、製作幻燈片、書局服務、拜訪家庭、公司、工廠、醫院和學校、撰寫廣播稿（復興電台全省聯播）、錄製聖歌、翻譯電影（中視西洋片）、參與聖經展的海報圖畫等等。

我們的團體活力充沛、喜樂洋溢，無論在休閒時或節日活動中也都能發揮創意、盡情搞怪。唱歌、跳舞、演戲或變裝秀，各自展現十八般武藝。我很高興能過一個有意義和豐盛的生活。

賺到更多的女兒

媽媽最難過的是，我一離開家，從此再也見不到我了，她總認為我們如同佛教出家一樣「出了家，就忘了家」，我就不再屬於這個家的人了。沒想到的是，修會還讓我們回家省親和度假，這對媽媽來說是個很大的安慰，對我們家庭和修會來說也非常的好。從此，爸媽好像多了好多孩子，即使我們已經有七個兄弟姊妹，每次都會關心我們每位修女好不好，有好東西也一定要分享給修女們。而我們的修女也好像多了一個家庭、爸媽和兄弟姊妹，常常來往、問候和關切。我很感謝天主帶領我走過這些路，給我那麼多的恩惠，不但沒失去我的家庭，反而獲得更大、更美的大家庭。

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